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PIRATES
DVD region 0. Digital Playground.
 Pirates
caused something of a storm in the adult industry when released
back in 2006, setting a new standard for big budget, high concept
hardcore and arguably spawning the new generation of porn parodies.
The first adult movie in decades to be re-edited for an R-rating
and given theatrical release, this alleged $1 million production
successfully showed what needed to be done to combat the threat
of the tube sites – namely, making something that bedroom
amateurs couldn’t compete with, and producing a film that
can cross-over beyond the traditional XXX marketplace.
While obviously inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean,
Pirates sets itself apart from the parodies that followed by at
least having an original plot. Pirate Captain Victor Stagnetti
(Tommy Gunn) kidnaps just-married Manuel Venezuela (Kris Slater),
the descendent of Incans who have hidden away some sort of magical
sceptre that only he can locate. Chasing them down are pirate
hunters Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone, channelling William
Shatner) – a rather incompetent blowhard – and his
first mate Jules (Jesse Jane). After the rescue Manuel’s
bride Isabella (Carmen Luvana), thrown to the sharks by Stagnetti,
they follow him to a secret island where the two forces do battle.
There’s no arguing with the fact that Pirates
is a pretty impressive effort. With sumptuous sets and costumes,
a huge cast and some decent CGI (the Jason and the Argonauts-inspired
living skeletons are particularly impressive, and it’s a
pity that such cool monsters are pretty much thrown away in the
story), this could easily be a better-than-average SyFy movie
if you took out the sex (as the R-rated cut did). You might choose
to question the authenticity of virginal brides who have tattoos,
but the film isn’t taking itself too seriously anyway, so
such anomalies can be accepted.
 As
you’d expect, the acting is variable. Stone is amusing as
the egotistical but inexperienced Captain, Steven St. Croix is
effective in a small role and Gunn is suitably unsavoury as Stagnetti,
complete with his blind eye and gold teeth. The female cast are
less effective – Jesse Jane just about manages to deliver
her dialogue effectively, but looks way too much like a porn star
to convince as a sailor, and Janine, who I’ve seen give
decent performances before, seems strangely one-dimensional. Carmen
Luvana does her best, but seems a little wooden while acting,
and visibly relaxes during the sex scenes.
And the sex scenes come at regular intervals and are as raunchy
as you’d expect. Luvana and Jenaveve Jolie probably have
the best scene, a lesbian encounter surrounded by cheering pirates
that oozes with genuine passion. The rest of the cast give their
all too, with the frighteningly tiny Jesse Jane proving to be
particularly flexible.
Witty, ambitious and genuinely entertaining, Pirates
is a good example of what the adult industry is capable of when
it tries. And the DVD matches the luxurious nature of the film,
coming in a nicely boxed three-disc set. The feature has an audio
commentary by the starts and (voice disguised) director Joone,
and there is a lively behind-the-scenes documentary, FX comparison
shots, plentiful trailers, painful screen tests, bloopers and
more, as well as a soundtrack CD, previously released separately
(fans of the bombastic orchestral scores found in most blockbusters
will enjoy this more than me). It would’ve been interesting
to have the R-rated cut included too, but to complain about omissions
here seems rather churlish.
DAVID
FLINT
BUY
IT NOW (USA) DVD
• BLU-RAY
BUY
IT NOW (R-RATED VERSION)
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