THE DEAD UNDEAD
DVD region 2. Metrodome.

You know things are bad when you watch a movie and start to think that Luke Goss could do better, but that’s unfortunately the sort of thought you have while enduring The Dead Undead, a film every bit as good as the title suggests, and a strong challenger to Vampires vs Zombies for the title of ‘worst vampire / zombie film ever’ – a genre that, on the strength of the two current entries, should be left to rest in peace.

Opening up like the most annoying teen slasher you could imagine (think of the worst bunch of annoying horror movie teens, double the irritation factor and then fill the roles with dreadful actors), the film introduces a bunch of nondescript zombies without any fanfare and then ineffectually kills off most of the characters, replacing them with a band of machine-gun toting paramilitaries (led by former boy band member Goss). They turn out to be good vampires, battling zombie-vampire hybrids (referred to as ZVs, which gives you some idea of the level of imagination on show). The rest of the film consists of little more than length shoot outs, with laughable flashbacks to the dying vampire heroes past lives (there’s a terrible Viking battle that looks like a particularly embarrassing role play game), before the survivors head off in search of something or other (explanations of what exactly are pretty vague), leaving the way open for a sequel that we thankfully seem to have been spared.

With clumsy dialogue, bad acting, zero character development, crappy special effects and minimal production values, The Dead Undead has nothing going for it – there isn’t even the pleasure to be found from endearingly, hilariously bad films, as the movie is simply dull. It’s hard to tell if Goss is supposed to be English or American, as his accent wobbles all over the place, and the pacing is so leaden that the film feels like it’s a good thirty minutes longer than it is.

Considering the rubbish that’s been cranked out in both genres, it takes a lot to lower the tone of both the zombie and vampire genre, but The Dead Undead manages to do so effortlessly. It’s an abomination.

DAVID FLINT

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